tink, decide.. do i nd other's opinion? but i dun wan ppl to noe yet.. ive told certain ppl already.. scared.. u tink its the rite choice.. can i still work my wae thru to get to become my ambition.. wait.. is tt really wat i wanna be.. i dun noe wats true nymore..lost..confused..still.. dunno wat to do.. actually i noe.. made clear..thnx.. but im scared of takin the plan into action.. y? ive nvr been so afraid in my life..

wats worse was ytd it kinda happen again.. sumthin i cant tell.. tink its obvious, then dun tink.. i dun wan ppl to noe.. i dun really noe myself.. damn.. got to noe its actually unnecessary.. worried sick to a point tt i sleep.. i nvr like sleepin while worryin..it sux..but i cant get away from tt..

its true wat tt certain person sae.. im like alwaes so happy on the outside but i got all those weird stuff goin on inside.. its the problem.. ive tot bout it recently, but i didnt tell nyone, didnt wanna annoy them wit the same thing again.. dunno when the rite dae will come but then again if i keep waitin for the rite dae then when will it happen.. if ever there's a diff, plz act normal n dun criticise.. i nd strength not disparagement.. thnk u..

why cant u jux tell me wats goin on wit ur life?
am i not someone who is of ny importance to u?
jux cuz she used to be my significant other doesn't mean u have to keep things from me, does it? why cant i noe?
dun u tink there is a possibility tt i noe her a little more than u do?
dun u tink im sumone who deserve to get an insight to ur love life?
why is it that i always feel ostracize when i see u talkin to sumone else n i noe its bout wat u facin?
am i really the top few out of all ur fwens?
dun u tink ive known u long enuff to be able to understand wat ure goin thru?
do u realise that im an open person?
will u ever believe me that ive actually gotten over it a long time ago?
why are u being so distant towards me?
do u noe that i tink thru before tellin u ny of my secrets now cuz of the distance i feel?
do u noe that i dun wanna feel tt wae?
do u realise that i really care for u?
do u noe that i feel hurt everytime i see a lighted stick on u?
do u still remb all the times that we spent together?
do u still remb the time when u told me everythin u were hidin n how great it felt after, knowin that i do understand?
do u ever tink back on the past year, though we've known each other for only a year, on stuff that made our friendship stronger?
do u remb my existence in ur life?
do u still remb me?

we fought bad, we weren't talkin for the whole dae eventhough we were at the same place together..had to talk thru to solve the problem but i was only ignored to a point tt tears jux flowed.. nvr tot it wld come to tt.. if only i knew.. if only i had listen.. guess i was too stubborn, too over-protective.. honestly, i was woryin bout whether there was gonna be drinkin which will lead to smokin so i ended up goin for all the wrong reason..

the dae after was a little better cuz we started talkin though there was a clear sign saein "dun wanna talk bout it".. but i kept askin whether i cld ask bout sumthin but i was turn down the entire time.. it made me feel so restless cuz i wanna do sumthin bout it yet i cant.. yar, useless n hopeless too..

tt same feelin carried on the whole dae even after prac.. got to noe tt the temptation was irresistable so it happen.. n i was tryin to sae how i feel to sumone else n then i broke down.. cldn't take it.. felt like givin up but i dun wanna lose out.. finally drew huge gasps of air to calm myself down.. apologize for tt cuz i noe i dun have the rite to even feel tt wae..
went home wit more questions, continued askin but same thing happen.. was rainin quite heavily.. got a chance to get closer.. longin for tt.. sat for awhile but still not talkin.. saed our goodbyes, only replied by a tiny smile.. waved..

got home, chatted on the phone, finally saed tt it was time to clear the air.. nvr did i realise my escalating mistake of not being open to other ppl's feelin until it was mentioned.. apologize but stop to hear more of wats to come.. more tears splattered by.. saed alot more stuff than i had in mind..

asked for another chance but had to answer to another question before i get the answer i wan.. didnt wanna give tt bit of looseness but there was a certain insistence of wantin it.. cried harder then.. hard as it is, i knew i had to.. but i negotiate further, subtly.. came to terms.. habits dun die easily but hopin it will happen sooner.. 3 buddins a dae, not regular, there's a big chance of stoppin.. i have to help, dun jux expect sumthin to happen out of the blue.. give encouragement n motivation, most importantly moral support n love..

now it'll be hard to witness the most dreadful 'event' happenin infront of my eyes.. or noein it is happenin even behind.. can things go back to wat it was before? no wait, move along now.. dun hold on to the past..

i jux realised tt its hard for me to let go.. of nythin for tt matter, from my stuff to problems or ny kind of experience.. its jux so hard to do it..but i guess i've learnt to go thru wit it.. i have started to clear alot of useless papers from 6 yrs back or so tt was lyin ard in my room n now my room looks alot better though there's still more for me to throw out.. there's sum sentimental stuff tt i cant dispose of at all, jux holdin on to them brought back a certain extract of my memory..

missin, missin, missin.. wat do u do when u miss sumone or alot of ppl at once..? i can only tink back bout the past or give them a cal to chat on the phone n tts bout it.. rather pathetic ehz? but wat if u cant cal, like u dun have their number nymore, or their sumwhere else uncontactable or nythin tt u jux cant do nythin? wat if there was a quarrel n u wanna make up but the other party doesnt? jux wat if, wat would u do?

ohh yar, its jux coincidence tt qie's blog had written bout all tis stuff which so applies to me rite now..READ it cuz it may help u too..

*the only thing that's stopping you from getting out of your misery is you. it's easy to spiral out of control and let your emotions take over you.take a step back, gather your thoughts, stay collected. i know it's hard. time has almost healed me and if you only allow it time will heal you too. no doubt it's taking a hell of a long time. you'll get there but as i've said, only if you let it.*

*The pain had been inflicted once, and the incident could have even been long forgotten by the perpetrator, but it was ME who held onto it. Haunting and hurting myself, over and over. Of course, it is very very difficult to let go. Sometimes, we need our feelings validated to help us move forward. Sometimes, even an apology doesn't help, because the pain was so much.*

*Take a step back, and really think. Was it really that bad? Sure, when the hurt happened, the feelings were real. Rightly or wrongly, logically or illogically, reasonably or unreasonably- we feel the hurt, and the sting of the pain was very real. But I took a close look at myself. After suffering the same unhappiness for some time, I have come to realise that the only thing that is haunting me, is ME. I did not let go of the hurt.*

we did quite well for cheer rock, ending up with fourth placin.. thnx a whole lot to my pump it...hahhk.. we then went to usa cheerleadin camp which was so awesome.. danielle is so hot.. learnt new techniques which is so much easier to do.. being assertive n aggressive makes stuntin alot cleaner.. nice noein cheerleaders from other teams though sum were snobs.. USA (clapx3)
had a performance at jrg lib which was okay for sum parts n bad for another.. pissed at myself for not doing it right..when everythin ended, we started takin pics of our crew but a certain individual was the first to pose as if belonging to us.. extra.. ohh yar.. there's quite a lot of extras lately.. but i'd sae there are three main ones.. dun they realise tt they are not invited to any of our gatherings.. god.. there are certain exception for ppl who are not sphyntrix or sophistifunk who will alwaes be accepted with open arms.. not tt we're biased, jux how it goes.. i dun hate this ppl, i only wish they realise tis quicker..

we auditioned for ria hip 15 and we got in..WooHoo.. we prac for three daes for the audition n more daes for the finals..had to go to rehearsal during cheer trainin.. haiz.. then straight to a last minute prac at esplanade..we received consolation prize n i guess tt's it.. its okay for me.. with the mistakes tt i make during the show..

i guess there's nuthin more to expect from me.. ive been rather hesitant in everything tt i do lately.. there's no more nice comments from fwens for my performance.. well, maybe afew but they are only the type tt is made only to make ppl feel better even if its not true.. maybe i shldnt jot tis down but i feel tt i have to.. with new members ard, its obvious there's a new kinda favouritism affair goin on among us, ppl likin another.. it all goes to show tt tis is so not fair.. everthin i do is put down.. there's parts where im really feelin it n ppl criticise me for tt.. like im not gd enuff.. maybe it is really true.. sumhow i feel tt i shldnt have join e recent comp.. tink i pulled the whole show down..

Its like i've shut myself in a box n i cant get out.. truly in it, shut the lid n hope to suffocate.. the most excitin part of me has gone n im not sure im left wit very much..

ive been tryin my best to change certain things in the squad like proper coachin, mats, even the uniform jux for three individuals' likin so as to tempt them into re-joinin but i only received three NOs.. i was really excited when one saed tt one was joinin.. it is sumthin tt i look forward to for the whole of tis yr.. but the excitement i felt didnt last for long.. it was shattered by a simple sms.. really wretched.. all tt i ever wanted was to be as close as we were before.. saw tis as an opportunity to relive the moment but i guess not.. i have to learn to move on.. everythin's change there's no benefits to get stuck in the past..