Saturday, October 29, 2005
misSin oUt in mOre waEs thaN onE
nuthin's lettin up.. things are not gettin any better than it has nvr been.. am i destined to lead tis life or can i change the outcome? im definitely lost.. lost in my group of fwens.. i jux dunno who to turn to nymore.. there's alwaes certain things bout an invidividual tt makes me hold back.. I cant seem to share all my pains n sufferings wit nyone ..
Im fallin deeper by the second.. not receivin ny help.. i cant make it thru the rain nymore.. i really nd help.. who can i turn to..? is there nyone willin..? I've nvr been in such a situation before.. can i get out of tis so-called poverty cycle.. I did one big mistake, n tt is fallin behind the pack.. im not sure weather i can catch up to them or even be nearly as gd as them.. will i ever be?
how can i be stronger when all i do is cry everytime u return to tt dreadful place.. im being alot more emotional than i've ever been.. really tot it wld get easier after each time but it only proves me wrong.. will i ever get use to it?
im now kinda the middle person in a relationship.. got really close to one side of it but only to find out later tt i have to compromise..sacrifice my time spent wit one.. its not fair.. how can u do tt? why do i have to listen to wat u sae? im in nd of lurve too.. why cant u tink of me as well..? I cant let go.. i'll nvr let go.. cuz ure really nice towards me..
where are YOU when i nd u? i nd to get tis done.. so i can breathe easy.. ive been cloggin everythin inside, dunno why but i nd to find u.. to sit n talk for the whole nite jux like how we did before.. before u were actually too influenced by ur significant other.. too controlled.. is tt how u wanna run ur life for eternity?
feel like givin up but ive nvr given in before.. will tis be my first? shld i? i dun wanna lose out..
rather somnolent at the moment.. jux too hard witout people i noe ard.. not myself.. how do i phorsize to the person i wanna be n not change watever tt i dun wan to?? the qn tt have alwaes been goin thru my mind..
i noe for sure tt if i were to jux get it over n done wit, i wld be alot more confident of myself.. change in tt one instance.. but im jux too fearful of it, but why? external factors takin in consideration.. sucky life of mine.. y was i in denial when everyone my age was goin thru wit it like it was normal cuz it is normal for godsakes..
craVed fRom mY hEaRt 2:40 AM
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Sunday, October 23, 2005
tWo daEs we|L speNt
was a gd thing i didnt go sch on tues cuz shawn came home as he was sick.. when he called me in the mornin i knew i had to see him in any possible wae.. so i went over.. wit yusuf, zaf n pan.. spend some quality time wit him..yeah!! he went back the nxt dae.. n on fridae, shawn finally booked out again.. i waited for him for quite awhile wit yusuf over at my house.. he changed n all tt n we went to s'funk prac rather late..hehe.. not my fault.. after prac i went home wit shawn before headin to geylang wit yusuf n syahril.. had fun there wit lots of foods.. we then went to cineleisure to watch flight plan..nice story.. still can remb the time i watch another movie wit shawn n there was flight plan's trailer n we saed to each other tt we had to watch it..so it finallly did happen..niceness.. then we sat at youth park while waitin for the first bus.. we each headed our separate waes.. shawn n me then went over to yusuf's straight after.. we stayed there for a while till shawn really had to leave for home.. he saed he gave me peck before goin off as i was asleep already..so sweets..hehe.. found the perfect nasi sambal goreng from bp's bazaar, only $3..
craVed fRom mY hEaRt 2:28 PM
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Saturday, October 08, 2005
daEs fLies bY sO fAst
suppose to meet shawn earlier but i could only wake up at 10plus.. so shawn had to wait from 7.30 onwards cuz he was all awake at his grand's..when we finally met at cck control station, yusuf was reachin already..hehe..the usual late me..yusuf cldnt meet shawn earlier too cuz he went to cwp to get shawn the billabong wallet of course witout tellin him.. its rainin then so we went to the back of lot1..shawn asked me to dance for him so he cld record wit his cam..initally i didnt want to but i finally did.. i'll show u the vidz if u wan..hehe..kinda furnie though..did dun phunk, tomo n girlfight.. we then took pics before goin off to unity to meet syahril, zaf n pan as usual.. then went to house while waitin for pan n syahril to go home n change.. we then went to al-ameen.. reach there at about 5 plus.. then ayu arrived shortly after.. we buke..had nasi daging merah n milo dinosaur.. then firman arrive n we went to beauty world jux sittin doin nuthin at all.. then went to sit sumwhere else n played pranks on passerby.. mostly, ayu n pan scare the wits out of tis two aunties.. we then went to mac to get drinks while waitin for shawn since he met up wit his other fwens.. when shawn came back we headed to the blocks of flats nearer to the 985 bus stop.. went to 7-eleven before goin to bukit timah cc.. they dance together while i jux sat there singin to myself..tryin not to cry, not to shed ny more tears tt i've poured out even before tis dreadful dae.. syahril checked my bag n took out the present tt i bought for shawn..n thank god he did saw it..hahhk.. then shawn, yusuf n firman went down to buy sumthin but got to noe after tt tt they were smokin together..yar yar..same old, same old.. nywyaes, cc was closin soon, so had to pack up n leave.. when we were downstairs.. we walked into the slight drizzle where i sang "unwritten" by natasha bedingfield, quite loudly..
feel the rain on ur skin noone else can feel it for u only u can let it in noone else noone else so speak the words on ur lips drench urself wit words unspoken live ur life wit arms wide open today is where ur book begins the rest is still unwrittenfelt a great feelin after..noein i have to accept the fact tt shawn goin there for quite sumtime.. we then headed to the bus stop n waited for the buses to come..while waitin, we took turns talkin to shawn, hugging n mostly crying.. it was my first time seein shawn in a really bad state.. it took awhile before the bus came but we still hugging till the bus actually left us behind.. then ayu bus came, i dunno how she can manage to stay strong exteriorly.. when thier bus finally came, yusuf, syahril n me didnt board the bus cuz we wanted to send him home.. took the bus to shawn's, i sat beside him.. tt moment will alwaes be cherished.. cuz i noe tt will be the last time tt i get to sit beside him n rest my head on his shoulder n smellin him..cuz he smells real nice..when we alighted, we walked in silence..alone..kinda separated from the rest.. upon reachin the void deck shawn saed he had to go up now..tears jux flow even worse tis time..we hug sumore before i gave him his much awaited present.. n yusuf too.. we cried for even longer..some makciks were walkin past so we went to the other side to sit.. by his reation, shawn was surprised tt i actually took time to write down my tots n feelings accompanying wit the cd tt i burn for him so as to remind him of me n a tshirt consistin of his fav n my fav colour.. more hugs were exchanged.. cried harder.. i can still remb how hard it was to stop myself form pressin the lift's button to prevent him from goin up.. we then walked hand in hand to the nearest road to grab a cab. shawn was lookin down from the 6th floor.. still can picture tt in my minds.. i broke down further..thnk god yusuf n syahril were there..if not i wldnt have carried on walkin.. we waited a little while at the bus stop..lookin up jux hopin tt he would look down from the kitchen.. but he didnt.. we then took cab home.. send syahril to bangkit.. then went to yusuf's house.. i slept over there.. i was so unstable.. i jux had to have sumone to rely on.. thnx yusuf.. N a very big thnk u to shawn.. for helpin me achieve the things tt u set for me.. like being closer wit my family jux by givin me those two lovely hamsters.. for influencin me into goin for fridae prayer where i actually found inner-peace.. for fastin durin tis meaningful month.. for helpin me be truthful to myself n not hide the person tt i am within.. for consolin me whenever im down.. for jokin ard wit me whenever ure ard.. for regardin me as ur greatest fwen.. u changed my life for the better.. n im thankful for tt n ur sincerity in helpin me sort-out my wrecked life.. im missin u, i'll nvr forget u n I LURVE U..
craVed fRom mY hEaRt 2:25 AM
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Thursday, October 06, 2005
2 daEs to shAwn's nS
didnt go sch again todae as i so want to spend time wit shawn.. met him n yusuf at ard 11 plus jux missin the fun on jokin wit sum unknown twss girls.. they talkin bout their furnie reaction towards seein the both of them sittin together n how shawn sneeze so loudly infront of them..we then went to cck park to lepak but then shawn wanted to record the dance so we were dancin for the camera quite a few times..then went to unity to meet up wit zaf, pan n syahril before goin to zaf's house.. her mom was at home so we waited at the void deck n only after zaf ask the mom for permission tt we went up..while pan n syahril went home to change.. we then went to yew tee to meet up wit syahril n pan.. then headed to gombak to buy food for break-fast.. we kinda reach there early and we were jux lookin at the food avaible jux to decide before hand.. we then went to the cc to jux sit ard n for zaf to eat too actually..since she wasnt fastin but pan had a reason for not fastin.. we sat at the highest stairs and when we did, one makcik was sweepin the floor but she didnt notice us, we were kinda tryin to get away from her..syahril ate the curry puffs too, he tried not to be seen but yusuf saw..hahhk.. then we went down to the first floor where we dance for fun.. taught them tomo, okay2 only lah..hehe..very furnie.. monez saw us for far n came to meet us before goin off.. yusuf had to leave early cuz he was workin.. we then bought our food n stuff before headin home.. took taxi to teck wit pan n syahril.. shawn n zaf went to their grand's since its nearby.. when i finally reach home, i realise that my rice was not mine but pan's grandma's..hahhk..nvm. still in search for a really nice nasi sambal goreng..my fav..
craVed fRom mY hEaRt 3:24 AM
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Wednesday, October 05, 2005
3 dAes before shaWn's ns
went to douby ghaut wit yusuf while shawn was waitin for quite sumtime before we arrive.. so he went over to his workin place jux so to make us wait for him..like repay the favour..then syahril reach..only then did shawn started makin his way to the meetin point..hahhk.. we then went to meridien to redeem food using all the coupons tt shawn save for a wk specially for todae..then ayu came from sch i tink.. followed by ad.. food was nice..had spaghetti which look like lasagne.. we then went over to heeren to take neoprints..turns out so nice but i get to keep only 3 out 6 pics.. nvm, at least i got the best 3.. we then went to wisma before headin over to far east to grab the banana thing n avogado juice..so delectable.. we finally went over to cc since the rest were waitin for so long.. had more fun there.. we dance at level four jux for fun.. then went down to dance sumore before goin home..
craVed fRom mY hEaRt 2:27 PM
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005
suBsideD baD feeLin
sch was okay.. better than my first dae in first sem.. the whole vibe thing.. so lookin forward for nxt wk cuz i'll be spendin most of my time wit shawn.. he's leavin on fridae n it sux.. lepak wit shawn,yusuf,zaf,pan,ayu,firman,dinie n dunno who else at cc.. reach at ard 5plus.. kinda fun takin pics laughin n runnin ard.. we stayed there till bout 10 before goin home.. by tt time my uncontrollable emotion was quite in control.. get wat i mean..thnk god..
craVed fRom mY hEaRt 2:58 AM
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Monday, October 03, 2005
teaRy-eYed
after tt shawn n yusuf came over for a sleepover but the most unfortunate thing is tt my father was at home.. so we met at the void deck n stayed there for quite sumtime jux to make sure tt they are in bed by the time we went up.. we talk bout the past, how time flies by so fast.. shawn brought a calendar n we talk bout the times when he was still doin his yr 3 project, the first time i met him at his house durin raye.. the time he called me to clear my doubts bout poly.. really appreciate tt alot.. was cryin again by then.. kinda "fought" bout smokin after tt.. yusuf threw the cigg to the floor..kinda my fault.. its true wat shawn saed, i dun care bout how the ppl who are tryin to quit smokin feels esp wit my constant sarcasm whenever they give in to their habit..cant blame them cuz i noe its hard.. but i really do wanna see a smoke-free world one dae if tts possible.. when we finally went up, yusuf really felt sleepy, me too actually but i tried not to show it.. waited for shawn to bathe first before makin the ovaltine drink like how we did the first time shawn sleepover.. yusuf didnt drink wit us cuz he was asleep already.. we talked for awhile before goin back to my bedroom.. then shawn use the laptop while i lay down n i was fast asleep soon after..felt bad for sleepin so fast after wakin up to the freakin noisy loud mouth big headed freak who is my father(only biologically).. so they kinda felt bad n jux went off witout even bathin.. i felt so bad too but i could jux accompany them to the busstop.. exchange warm hugs before leavin.. i apologise for his behaviour..sucky
craVed fRom mY hEaRt 6:12 AM
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Sunday, October 02, 2005
tiRin daE
had cheer performance at south view.. though the place sux but it was all cool.. after tt we went to cc to lepak.. while all tis was happenin.. pan n hafiz kinda sneaked out to buy cake for the surprise, initially i had to go but i cldnt cuz of prac for another performance at cc.. then pan wrote wit chilli sauce on tis paper.. n we each signed the card for him.. everythin went well.. cut cake n ate it.. then shawn gave a thnk u speech.. n i started cryin real bad.. for quite sumtime.. then we continued on practicin.. auditions was fun.. zaf n yusuf were up first n they did pretty well.. then we perform at the cafe.. was nice.. after tt we went down to have more fun together..everyone could see the passion growin out of shawn as he kept practicin even after auditionin.. but before tt there was tis guy who came up to me n ask "u where one?" i barely saed "huh?!".. furnie yet stupid.. nywywaes.. shawn n ayu were given the two thumbs up as well as zaf n yusuf from before n we are now 4 members more..cool huh.. after tt ate at mac for awhile.. shawn left early to go to his fwens bdae party n yusuf had to change.. felt rather happy wit everythin todae..
craVed fRom mY hEaRt 12:00 PM
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