Alot have happened since the last time i blogged.. i dunno where to start so i'll jux start off wit ny of the things tt ive encountered randomly.. i seriously cant believe the fact tt ive done sumthin utterly iniquitous.. though i noe its improper, i still have a strong urge to repeat tis sinful act.. jux so as to fulfill my desires.. ive succumbed to tis undesirable mentality.. guess im weaker than i tot i was..

all my life, ive receive one too many criticisms tt are not constructive at all.. dun u ppl realise tt i actually noe myself more than ny of u.. for all the times these verbal abuse are hurled at me, ive learnt to ignore n jux dun care.. this proves to be the best method though its hard not to give a damn.. i began to feel the feelin of not to feel..numbness.. tt led to greater complications in my love life and in my self esteem..

change is a very difficult metamorphosis, where i have to learn to not be deceive by the easier factors temptin me into quitin all the time.. but ive alwaes capitulate nywyaes.. tts why im still the same wit only a little difference.. i can still remb my nick durin the start of poly life n tt was "changes are for the better, but why is it so hard".. im tryin my best to change.. tts y im not my usual self infront of my poly fwens n im not as close..i feel tt im puttin up a facade whenever im wit them.. missin them though..

i oso realise sumthin.. when i try to change myself in a certain area, i get so caught up tt i change a bigger part of me although tt is only in the presence of certain invdividuals.. like being unbelievably quiet.. i noe i cant be like tis for the rest of my life.. its so hard to find the right time to go thru wit it once n for all..

ive come out wit the person i wanna be n the things i nd to do for it to happen n i swear its really hard.. i keep tellin myself tt tryin is not gd enuff but i guess its a gd start.. i noe i cant be super hard on myself cuz then i wldnt get wat i wan.. i still cant get over the fact bout my o's.. it hurts jux to tink of it n at times it gets real hard when ppl close try to put me down further; even in an indirect wae..

the feelin of spirited enthusiasm was a very refreshin feelin, felt like my first ever prac wit sphynx though now its known as sphyntrix.. ive learnt alot wit new ppl ard me, my mistakes in correctin ppl n oso the pain of ppl's perception towards diff issues.. its true tt everyone have a sae in everythin..

ive nvr imagined how hard it is to be alone.. its even hard when memories of a certain period of the past gets entangle wit my life rite now.. i noe i cant but i dunno whether i wan to.. it will be harder to continue.. now i have started being a robot whenever i do things tts hard so as to not feel pain n yet to feel pleasure.. (if tts even possible)

tot i cld be closer wit them but i didnt even got A chance after a desperate plea for coziness tt im cravin for wit the ppl i luv.. guess im not at all tt important or maybe they've learn to not include me at all due to new additions.. rejection is sumthin im fearful of n tis is gettin more gruelin by the second.. plz help me in achievin the once fulfillin life during my sec 5.. its sumthin tt i nd to grab hold off n nvr let go..

thnx for readin thru.. tis has been my most intense post n i hope ppl will understand me better..